Parents, Families, and Supporters

• “What are the positive qualities that you would like to have in a relationship or in a significant other?”
• “How would you like your intimate relationships to impact your life? What should be your significant other’s role with your friends, family, academics etc.?”
• “What would be some deal breakers for relationships, things that would not be acceptable for you?”

Boundaries are personal limits that you can set with others including physical, emotional, or digital-based guidelines. Part of empowering your student could include letting them set boundaries with you, such as how often you will speak on the phone.

• “I want to talk with you about how we can stay in touch while you are at school, what do you think will work best with your school schedule? How will you communicate with me if things change?”
• “How will you communicate with your roommate(s) about your shared living space expectations? What will you do if your roommate(s) are not respecting your boundaries?”
• “How will you communicate with a significant other(s) what you need in a relationship and ask about their relationship expectations?”

It can be helpful to talk about how rejection is a normal and natural part of life. Even though in the moment the rejection might be really painful, remind them that you are there as a resource to help them get through that.

• “How do you let your friends, family, or significant other know that you respect them and their choices – even when you do not agree with them?”
• “How will you respect someone else’s boundaries – even if you do not agree or do not like the boundary that was set?”
• If your student shares with you that they have been rejected, “I am really sorry to hear about this, sometimes relationships do not work out. How can I help support you?”

By the end of a conversation on consent, your student should understand what affirmative consent is and what to do if they or their partner do not wish to consent.

• “How would you ask for consent if you were initiating?”
• “What are some things you are worried about when it comes to consent?”
• “How would you know if someone is not interested?”
• “How would you respond if someone is not clear when you are asking for consent?”

Consent cannot be implied based on previous interactions, relationship status or clothing. Consent needs to happen in the moment. Silence, lack of resistance or passiveness is not consent. Consent cannot be given if someone is threatened, coerced, or does not have power in the situation to say no.

Coercion is defined as using intimidation, threats or force to persuade a person to do something that they do not want to do. This is different than compromise because when someone is coercing another then they are not really giving that person the option to say no. Coercion can look like this:

• “If you really loved me you would do this…”
• “If you do not do this then I am going to tell people a secret of yours…”
• “If you ever left me I would hurt myself…”

Incapacitation includes the inability, temporarily or permanently, to give consent because the individual is mentally and/or physically helpless, either voluntarily or involuntarily, or the individual is unconscious, asleep, or otherwise unaware that the activity is occurring.

This can look different for different people. What is important to communicate is that if at any point, your student becomes unsure if they have received affirmative consent or are unsure whether the other person is in a state of incapacitation, then they need to stop. Encourage your student to look out for their peers, and if they see individuals that look like they are incapacitated, to try and get them home safely. Your student can help protect their peers by being a prosocial bystander and intervening if they witness a potentially dangerous or risky situation. 

• “How do you think alcohol or other substances can impact someone’s ability to consent?”
• “Would you feel comfortable engaging in sexual activities with someone that has been drinking? How would you know if they were incapacitated and unable to consent?”
• “What are some plans that you and your friends will put in place before going to parties to make sure that everyone stays safe?”
• “How will you look out for your friends, roommate(s) and peers when there is alcohol or other substances being used?”
• “How would you safely intervene if you thought that an individual was trying to take advantage of another person that was incapacitated?”

Try to be open during your discussion and not make assumptions about your child and their friend’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Successful conversations come from an open perspective.

• Instead of asking “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend” try asking, “Do you have a sweetheart or significant others?”
• If your student is talking to you about a friend, roommate, or significant other and has not used gender pronouns (he/him/his, she/her/hers, they/them/theirs, etc.), you can ask your student what pronouns that individual uses. For example, “You have been talking a lot about Alex, can you tell me what pronouns Alex uses?”
• Let your student know that you are there for them when they start dating or if they would like to talk about anything.